If you’ve seen all of the tips for how to communicate effectively, you’ve likely seen a gem like “Ten Tips To Listen Better Than Ever” before. With tips like “repeat back what the person said”, “give visual clues that you’re listening” and “ask interesting follow up questions even if you think you understand”, it is like the writer is purposefully trying to get his or her adherents to annoy the you-know-what out of everyone around them.
Nobody wants to simply feel like they are being heard, they want you to actually have listened to what they said. If you are focusing on the correct body language or repeating statements back to make it seem like you are listening but you still aren’t, I don’t care if you nod your head at key points or can repeat what I said.
There is only one tip you need to use in order to be a better listener:
It is too simple, right? Of course it is. That doesn’t mean shutting up isn’t difficult. In fact, it may be the most difficult thing you ever do. If you spend time in Corporate America long enough, you eventually become programmed to think about what you’re going to say next, not what the other person is saying. If we all focused on not saying a damn thing, we wouldn’t need lists of three, five, or fifteen tips to be successful.
Shutting Up Versus Corporate Norms
Regular readers know how I feel about corporate norms so this will come of no surprise. The idea you have to keep your mouth moving to be a valuable contributor in a corporate setting is just plain wrong. Yet this is the norm in too many organizations. It has something I actually have been coached on as an employee too. If you don’t jump in right after someone says something that involves your department, you’re obviously not paying attention. People that interrupt others in meetings are often seen as “smart”, “quick witted” and “cutting straight to the chase” rather than “rude”, “inconsiderate” and “poor listeners”.
If you are being a good listener, if you are focused on what the other person is saying and not how you will respond, you’re not going to be able to jump right in there with a comment as the person takes their first breath. We had a consultant come in at a previous job who paused after we answered his questions and he actually ended up replying thoughtfully each time. People notorious for interrupting meetings themselves were understandably annoyed at this thinking that the guy wasn’t too bright because he collected his thoughts for a mere three to five seconds after our answers.
That’s why I said shutting up is actually very difficult. Corporate culture actively discourages solid listening skills. Which means those 15 tips aren’t going to get you anywhere because it doesn’t shift the cause of poor listening skills.
Shutting Up Makes You A Better Interviewer
Where this concept really sunk in for me was in the interview process. When I first became one of the lead interviewers at my first job out of college, I had an experience with a manager I won’t forget. We interviewed a young woman for a position and after the interview I led, the manager said I was an idiot for talking so much. I was adamant that the interview went well. In fact, I thought she really nailed it.
As the manager pointed out, I felt that way because she responded positively to all of my talking. When we ended the interview, we knew basically nothing about her. Since then, I’ve been on countless interviews where the interviewers spent more time talking than I did.
While giving people an idea of your culture by presenting a solid picture of the company is good, doing it at the expense of learning about the interviewee is bad. The best tip I learned is to wait for the person to finish their thought and give them an extra five seconds to think if they want anything to add. You’d be amazed the information you’ll get going this route (good and bad) all because you focused on shutting up and not worrying about the next question.
How Do We Change The Status Quo?
I don’t know if we can. At least not as single individuals. People in diverse areas of your company have to be on board with the idea for it to really take hold. Here’s what I’ve tried to do though:
- Don’t be a part of the problem
- Call out those that are part of the problem
- Teach real listening skills to people that you influence
What are your ideas? How do you effectively beat back corporate norms that are counter-productive?