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Your Blog Sucks

I hate to break it to you but your blog sucks. In other words, the reason you aren’t getting readers is because I know the answers and you do not. Even the most popular blogs on the internet aren’t getting it done because they suck too. I don’t know what the people who are reading those popular blogs are thinking. Perhaps they are insane.

I am going to give steps so easy to follow, even my readers will pick up on them. Here is how to write a kick ass blog:

  1. A Title That Will Tick Everyone Off — In the blogosphere, everyone judges your book by its cover so it better be one that gets your attention. The best way to get attention is to take something that many people believe and say they are incredibly stupid for believing it. Another way is telling people why they aren’t as smart as you.
  2. Content Isn’t Important — Having strong opinions and letting everyone know how smart you are for having them is the only thing that is important. Instead of focusing on content, focus on highlighting words with bolds, italics and underlines to prove your point: you believe something and it is 100% correct.
  3. Assume Your Audience is Dumb — Repeat things several times if necessary. Remember, these people are reading your blog for the enlightenment that you provide and using too big of words will scare them off. Use simple words that they can understand and explain core concepts that everyone should already know just in case. You never know with some of these people.
  4. Use Lists to Beat Your Point Out of Thin Air — There is no limit to your list but you should never have less than three points. In fact, longer is better. Try to argue against a hundred point list. You may find holes in 20 of the arguments but that still leaves 80 arguments unrefuted. “Nice try you door knob! Let me know when you refute all 100!”
  5. Don’t Use Sources to Back Your Point Up — You’re better than the sources you would cite anyway. For bonus points, use the ultimate sources to back up your points if you must: yourself and the blogs that agree with you. Make sure to make the links as hard as possible to follow so that nobody will check them out (see, I just cheated those last few links).
  6. Make Sure to Vilify People That Dare Disagree With You — Who has the blog? That’s right, you do. So now act like it! Make sure to mention the fact that Lee Harvey Oswald also disagreed with you in your original post. Anytime somebody tries to bring up a point against your post, make sure to mention the fact that they are siding with the person that shot Kennedy. Who do you believe: the guy who sides with a known assassin or the guy who is thoroughly against presidential assassination? Bulletproof I tell you!
  7. Encourage People to Comment That Agree With You — Make sure to recognize every comment in support of your point with a strong “THANK YOU! Finally someone gets it!!11” You only need a couple of these per post to convince you that at least some of your readers aren’t complete morons. Thankfully, because it is the internet, chances are someone will find a way to agree with you no matter what you actually say.
  8. Never Admit Defeat — It is unlikely that you’ll be bested but should it ever happen, you could do a couple of things. You could continue to admit that you are right in face of whatever evidence the person besting you is presenting. It may not win the argument but it will drive that person crazy enough to make it feel like you’ve won. Another one is deleting the post. After all, it is your blog.
  9. A Conclusion That Bails You Out — A way to avoid defeat is to simply have a squishy conclusion that you can point to that says the opposite of what your entire post implied (or even stated outright if you’re doing it right). For instance, if you have spent the entire time arguing that nobody knows how to write a blog that doesn’t suck, you can bail yourself out by ending with “While a majority of blogs out there do suck, there are some really great one’s out there that follow all of these principles routinely. It is nice to know that some people know what they are doing.”

So while a majority of blogs out there do suck, there are some really great one’s out there that follow all of these principles routinely. It is nice to know that some people know what they are doing.

By Lance Haun

Strategy for The Starr Conspiracy. Former HR pro. Portland guy (Go Blazers!) and WSU alum (Go Cougs!). I get to write about what I want here.

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